What If It's Not About You?

Difficult circumstances brought me to Alabama. After neglecting to treat my diabetes for nearly ten years, I paid the price by having a health crisis that left me unable to care for myself for a period of time. My youngest daughter was still living with me at the time, however; she was ill-equipped to handle me on her own. The three girls plus my son-in-law decided that I should move to live with my oldest daughter and son- in-law until I was able to be on my own again. That was June, 2010; it's now May, 2013. I am still living with them here in Alabama. The circumstances have changed a little, but they're still not easy.

I arrived here angry and depressed and only thinking of the situation as to how it affected me! I was angry with God about my circumstances and angry with Him because of many hurts in the past. I was depressed because I just knew  I was brought here to die and no one wanted to tell me. I was depressed because I had left two of my daughters in Ohio. Depressed and angry barely covers it. I was catatonic. One friend now readily admits to asking someone what was wrong with me meaning more like "Is she mentally challenged or handicapped?"I had lost quite a bit of weight, had  very low blood pressure, a catheter and was having problems eating and drinking. I was unable to see to drive and even if I could I was out in the middle of nowhere with even more nowhere to go! All I could see was that it was all about poor Brenda once again.
 
My life since then has changed drastically and there is a reason for those changes. My life and health have improved in many ways. Gone is the anger with God about where I am now. I have a new relationship with Him that I never knew was possible. There is a freedom in that relationship. I have been taught and am learning the gift of grace. The depression over my health is gone for the most part; I still have times when a small pity party takes place in my head. I have friends and a church where I feel loved and useful. I was floored when my friend (and dear neighbor) Crissy said I have a "dynamic" ministry because I just feel so much more ministered to than I could ever feel as though I've ministered to others. The changes have been so radical that my mom was in tears on the phone one day as she said that she hears the difference in my voice when we talk on the telephone. I didn't make those radical changes on my own; Christ & the gospel are the reasons for the changes.

I read a book recently titled "The Wedding Dress" which is coincidentally set in the Birmingham area. The story follows a young woman who owns a bridal store; she finds a vintage wedding dress and begins to track down the previous wearers of the dress. She finds one bride who wore the dress to marry her about to be sent to VietNam groom. The young bride's groom would never return alive from the war and his body was never able to be recovered, so she felt as if she never had a chance to touch his face and say good-bye. She's very angry with God even years later. They have a conversation in which the now older woman says that God  knew her beloved was going to die and He let her marry him anyway. The heroine replies with "What if marrying Joel wasn't about you?...What if marrying Joel was about sending a young man off to war, loved, happy, comforted by the ideas of warm fires and a beautiful wife waiting for him at home?...What if it was all about Joel? Only for Joel? What if God loved him so much that He gave him a bride before he died? Would that be ok with you?" What a concept! What happens to us may not be just about us, but other people, too?? If I had to put this lesson on a postcard it would read:

Dear Friend, 

I realize now that the past 3 years have not been all about me. My illness and depression have brought me to a place of PURPOSE! A place of service, ministry, joy, friendship, love, value, faith, and forgiveness.  A place that wasn't all about me.
Always,

Tilly